Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Excuse me darlin’… oh geez, you’re a guy!

So that tends to happen to me a lot. I'm short with long hair so people approaching me from behind always assume I'm a girl. Take this story for example:

A few years ago, I was attending a pre-marital counselling seminar with my wife, sister, and her soon-to-be husband, Stew.

After a long day of sessions and workshops, the day’s participants got together in a big circle and started chatting.

At a certain point during the conversation Stew left to go the bathroom. Upon his return he stood behind me and started lovingly rubbing my arms. (At the time I didn’t react, for you see, Stew is one of friendliest people you'll ever meet and I simply thought he was trying out a new, very gay way of reaching out to his future brother-in-law.) The arm fondling was quickly followed by a huge "whack!" on my back.
It was only when I noticed my sister pointing at Stew, laughing her head off that I realised what had happened:

After walking out of the bathroom, Stew had headed for the nearest long-haired Asian assuming it was his fiancé. Being the loving sort of fellow he was, he'd started stroking the Asian's arms in a state of blissful happiness - one that quickly dissolved into confusion as he found my sister staring back at him from across the room.

Realising his blunder, he'd attempted to make up for it by performing the manliest back-slap known to humankind.

Now how is it fair that I get mistaken for my sister - and get physically abused at the same time? Needless to say, I hope one of the workshops Stew attended was "how to identify your own wife".

Sometimes a person doesn't even have to approach me from behind. Countless times I've had a shopkeeper walk up to me and say, "Can I help you there ma'am?" only to go bright red in the face when they realise their embarrassing mistake. (Though I have used this to my advantage in the past to get massive discounts). Because of incidents like this I've had a mini goatee on my chin for the last few years - not because I think it looks stylish, but rather to give people a freakin' hint!

It may sound like I'm at breaking point, but I'm not. However, this whole issue has got me thinking that perhaps I should cut my hair short. The problem is, I’ve had long hair for almost a decade and it’s kind of grown on me (no pun intended).

Regardless, I’ve decided to leave it up to you by setting up a poll that’s due to close on the day of my fifth wedding anniversary. On that day I reveal to my wife (and the world) whether my hair stays or goes – a decision that could very well change the course of history as we know it!

N.B. Stew has never touched me indecently since, and we continue to have a healthy relationship based on not touching each other.


Penny Williams said...

Dude, manhugs are totally ok :)

Kate said...

I had the opposite problem when I cut my hair super-short. If I wore anything baggy, I'd get mistaken for a guy from the back.

Give cutting your hair a shot, even if just for the fun of a new hairstyle. If you don't like it, you can always grow it out!

onewhaleid said...

I think you should lose the hair. We could relocate it to your chin, Hồ Chí Minh style.

Alternately we could get you Portia De Rossi's shamlé T-shirt to fuel your gender ambiguity.