Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I lied...

Wow, how time flies. One day you're writing up posts for your blog and then the next minute life has grabbed you by the scrotum and dragged you kicking and screaming away from your computer to a different computer where you can only access work email and youtube where the procrastination gods await.

So, what have I learned during the time I've been away? Not much to be honest. Well, very little that would interest you. Only one thing comes to mind.

I'm currently working on a little project called iSweat. It has nothing to do with Apple products but I find adding an "i" before "Sweat" lends my project an air of legitimacy which it totally doesn't deserve. Anyway, here's the brief:
I have discovered there are 3 types of sweat my body can produce. Perhaps your body can do the same thing. If it does, email me and I will mark it as spam. The 3 sweat types are:
1. Exercise sweat
2. Eating spicy food sweat
3. Vigorous sex sweat
Yes, Exercise sweat and Sex sweat are two very different things. If you don't believe me, try running a kilometre with a friend and ask them to lick you during the journey. You will fail. Now have sex with that friend for an hour and ask them to lick you during this much improved journey. You will succeed. As you can tell, my methods are highly scientific with carefully monitored control scenarios.

Now, my task currently is to try to get my body producing all three of those sweats at the same time. I have proposed this to my wife and currently she's not a big fan. I'm mystified as to why she's opposed to such mighty scientific endeavours given she's a scientist herself.

I will spend the next few days coming up with possible scenarios in which I might produce this trio of sweats. You may help me by leaving suggestions in the comments section.

And yes, I'm back!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Another award for being a complete slack-arse!

Guess who's back people? Oh yes, it's been a long few months, but I've finally managed to arrange my new home into a semi-livable state. Internet is up and running but unfortunately I've had to settle for a crappy wireless ISP so no more vid chats with randoms I meet on the internet. (I'm not sure whether I should be happy or sad about that).

Well, I've won another award thanks to the lovely Kelly Jean over at Morgendorf.blogspot.com which is ironic considering I always seem to win these awards whenever I'm away for a prolonged period of time (and yes I'm one of those people who consider something to be a trend after only two occurrences). So thank you very much Kelly - your current obsession with owning a pet pig amuses me to no end and I hope you are successful in your endeavour.

So, here are the award rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award. (Done!)
2. Copy the award and place it on your blog. (Done!)
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. (The link above people!)
4. Tell us 7 interesting things bout yourself.
5. Nominate 7 bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs that are nominated.

I should warn you all now that I won't be nominating 7 bloggers tonight. As I've been away from the blogging scene for so long, I wish to put in a bit of effort into hand-picking a few new choice blogs. I figure that will take me about a week to do. Anyway, here goes!

  1. I'm a nice guy. It kind of sucks because I've come to realise that being a nice guy makes you very not sexy, but oh well, I'll deal. (It helps that I'm already married). Being a nice guy has other downfalls. I find it hard to screw around with other people. The best I can do is keep people guessing as to how I'm going to contact them when I say, "I'll get in touch with you later." Will it be a phone call? An SMS? An e-mail? Facebook? Oop! No, I tweeted! Oh I caught you off-guard there didn't I my good man? (LAME!)
  2. I was recently exercising and doing burpies (that's when you go from a push-up straight into a jump, then back down to the floor for another push-up. Repeat ad-nauseum). I was going fine until my lower end went down quicker than my shoulders during one of the push-ups and I slammed my crotch into the floor. I don't do burpies anymore.
  3. Speaking of crotch injuries, let me share with you a story from my teenage years. I was visiting an amusement park with some friends who convinced me to go on a ride called "Spaceprobe 7." Basically the ride involved taking you up in a seat hundreds of metres into the air and then dropping you down to the ground in a few short seconds. That day I happened to be wearing some new boxers that my sister had bought me (she must have planned this whole thing from the start) so my good bits weren't secured as tightly as they ordinarily would have been. (I think they were enjoying their newfound freedom and as I recall were rocking happily back and forth with youthful exuberance). Anyway, when the ride dropped us from the top of the tower, the sheer speed of the drop forced my backside a few inches off the seat and my boys were sucked in under me where they proceeded to get crushed under my bum. I don't do Spaceprobe 7 anymore.
  4. You know when you're standing at the traffic lights, waiting to cross the street? You know how sometimes the little green man takes an age to appear and a sizeable crowd gathers on both sides of the street? When this happens I like to imagine the people across from me are all dressed in armour waiting for the order to charge. Likewise the people around me are all dressed in armour waiting for me to give the signal. In my head, when the the two armies meet in the middle, I'm the one leading the charge with a tidy kick to the metallic-covered crotch of the first person I meet. (I think I'm developing a crotch obsession).
  5. I watched Avatar at the movies four times. You probably think I love the movie right? Well not quite. After the first viewing my wife insisted that the female Na'vi had nipples and that she had seen them during the movie. I was sure such a thing would not be allowed to happen in a movie where all the nipples are CG. Too often she's right so I wasn't about to let this one go without a fight. Anyway, after four viewings - each time on a progressively bigger screen - I gave up. The experience wasn't a complete loss though - I managed to alienate some friends of friends by saying to them, "let me know if you see any nipples during the movie. Oh, and if you need any crotch stories, I'm your man."
  6. According to Urban Dictionary, my name means: A Teenage white kid that has an abnormally large penis usually ranging to 7.5 inches to 8.
    "Wow never knew he had that he must have been a Thomas." Seriously.
  7. I cut my hair! (More on that in the next post). As I was sitting in the chair watching my long, soft locks fall to the ground, I remembered that scene in Anne of Green Gables where Anne asks Diana Barry for a lock of her hair. Obviously it was a very romantic gesture. I wondered what would happen if I went around to all my good friends offering them a little baggie filled with my hair. Would they consider it romantic? What about strangers for that matter? Well it's time for an experiment! The first 5 people who send me an email (tomurai2776@gmail.com) with the subject line "HAIRY!" along with their postal address, will receive a lock of my chopped off hair. I promise to infuse as much love and mushiness into the hair as is humanly possible as I caress it into the envelope. Then it'll be up to YOU to send me feedback on how romantic you found the gesture to be. But absolutely no cloning allowed!!
Ok, the kid with the abnormally large penis ranging to 7.5 inches to 8 needs sleep now people. Stay tuned for steps 5 and 6 of the awards rules!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Retreat! RETREEEAAATT!!!...to the serenity of the Northern Beaches.

Well I'm about to depart for a weekend retreat up north in a few hours and I thought I'd share with you the contents of my toiletries bag I just found:

2 band-aids
3 cottonbuds
1 hairband
1 pair of contact lenses
1 pair of goggles
6 citronella and sandalwood sticks (for repelling mosquitos)
2 disposible ponchos
1 stick of glue
1 what appears to be a urinal cake

Of course I've repacked it now to suit a human being and not some alien/MacGuyver hybrid, but what the hell was I doing on my last trip?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I have had a dream #1

Does anyone out there know how to interpret dreams? I tend to have really vivid dreams where I can remember things in great detail so I figured I may as well post the occassional dream (or at least a small part of it) on my blog.

I was walking along the front of my house (which for some reason had a trench around it) when I noticed down in the trench an old replica handgun I used to own. I picked it up out of the trench and walked over to my mate Geoff who was relaxing under his car.

"Hey Geoff, look at this," I said.

As I walked under Geoff's car I noticed the gun was dirty so I started wiping it clean. Eventually I managed to open the whole thing open and that's when I discovered two rooms inside the gun, one on top of another. The bottom room was full of ambiguous organic structures. The top room was crawling with what looked like thousands and thousands of maggots and larvae. Some of them had begun to take shape and were starting to look like baby koalas.

I called my biologist friend who reluctantly came over and had a look.

"You know, I'm really disappointed that I came," she said after inspecting the rooms. "When you called me, I assumed this would be the same thing it always is. I was really hoping it would be something different."

"Is it koalas?" I asked.

"No, it's water buffalo."

I nodded. That made perfect sense.

"Yep," she said. "This is what happens when you don't clean out the bottom of your house. You get water buffalo."

Seriously, if you can interpret dreams or would just like to take a wild theoretical stab at what's wrong with my head innards, drop us a line.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

No, you cannot play with daddy's Xbox! You see this controller? Mine! And this controller? Also mine!

I had a very lazy day yesterday; leftover Chinese for breakfast, Peanut butter and jam on bread for lunch. (Daily vegetable intake for the day: zero. Unless... can peanut substitute as a vegetable? Please?) It was a day conducive to gaming, so that's what I did.

I decided to play Nazi Zombies - a simple yet fun game where you and three other players fight off wave upon wave of evil nazi zombies.

The first player I encountered had a relatively high-pitched voice. I assumed it belonged to a male whose testicles had yet to descend until I heard the voice say, "Sweetie, drink your water or you'll get thirsty."
"Who are you talking to?" I asked.
"My daughter," she answered.
"Oh, how old is she?"
"She's three."
"You uh, let your daughter watch Nazi Zombies?"

Which fyi looks like this:

"Yup," she said. "She's actually laughing right now at the way they walk around."
Then, as I performed headshot after headshot, a second player piped in with, "Hey guys, I'm just gonna be gone for a sec. I can hear my daughter crying in the other room. Cover me for a sec alright?"
So I moved to that player’s now motionless avatar to provide defensive gunfire should a zombie get too close.
He returned shortly with, “Hey guys. I’m real sorry I’m gonna have to leave. My daughter just threw up all over her bed.”
At this stage I was wondering what had happened to all the teenagers in the world so I asked the third player in our group, “Hey mate, how old are you?”
“Me? I’m 27,” he said.
“Whew!” I thought. My age. The guy sounded young and I figured he was someone much like myself; just relaxing during the holidays, still taking life easy.
“Well,” I said jokingly as I lobbed a grenade into a group of zombies. “Looks like you need a daughter to play in this room.”
“I’ve got 2 of ‘em,” he said.
What?! So evidently I'd just stumbled into the Parents with Young Children who play Violent Videogames room.
Just then the mother-of-3-year-old (who hence forth will be referred to as ‘Motyo’) interrupted with, “Hey can someone cover me? My daughter’s passed out on my bed. I should move her to her bed.”
“This is getting ridiculous,” I thought as I stabbed a zombie in the chest before moving to cover yet another motionless avatar. I couldn’t see how this style of game-play was sustainable.

A few rounds later I heard Motyo say, “Sweetie, you’ve got to stay in your own bed. Daddy’s taking you out tomorrow at 10am. You need your rest - oh shit, what the hell was that?! That zombie just came out of nowhere!”

All I can say is, I was happy when the zombies finally managed to overwhelm us.

The next game I played was a much happier affair involving myself (an Australian), an Englishman, an American and a Swede. But that’s a story for another time.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Blog award?!

This is quite incredible. I leave this blog for two weeks (thank you very much stupid swine flu vaccine) and I come back to find that I've won an award? For doing nothing?? Exactly what are you trying to encourage Kate? (But thank you all the same). Btw, check out Kate's blog now! It was the first blog I followed after starting my own and is always guaranteed to bring a smile to your face, or at least make you snort.

So, apparently I now have to fulfil a few rules and requirements:

Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.

Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.

Thank the person who gave you the award.

Well here goes!

  1. I can't seem to escape weddings. Over 27 years I've attended something like 70+ weddings. And no, I don't do the whole Wedding Crashers thing. I have a feeling my wife wouldn't take too kindly to such shenanigans.
  2. I'm an American Civil War nut. I can tell you what Stonewall Jackson's favourite food was, I can sing you any civil war song you ask me to, I can even identify any number of regimental flags - and I'm Australian. I don't even know when Australia Day is! However I do know that Canada Day falls on July 1st. Mmmmm, pancakes with bacon and maple syrup... gaahhggghhhhhh...
  3. I always leave the toilet seat down. In fact, my wife leaves the toilet seat up more often than I do. Which begs the question, what the hell is she doing all those times? Perhaps she read my first post and is trying to prove me wrong.
  4. My two favourite meats to eat are lobster and crocodile. This may explain why I'm so poor.
  5. When I was a little boy, I was convinced that lying down straight after eating would turn me into a cow. You'd think most kids would be all like "hell yeah! I can be a huge animal with horns!" Alas, the cow I always pictured in my head was small, sad and moping. Plus, I wasn't too keen on the idea of having a giant set of udders on my belly.
  6. You know that hair that grows on a man's upper lip? You know how men typically shave it off using what's called a razor? I do that too. Only substitute the word 'shave' with 'pluck', and instead of 'razor' read 'tweezer'. And I do it without flinching too. (I will dedicate a separate post to this later. Warning: may include video.)
  7. I used to read The Babysitters Club books. In fact, they're the only books that have ever made me teary. I loved the books so much I even bought all the videos. I secretly had a crush on Mary Anne Spier. (Damn you Logan Bruno, get your hands off her, she's mine!) I am currently frightened at how much I can still remember. I am also concerned I may have revealed too much about myself and compromised my right to own male genitalia.
Now we get to the tricky part. I haven't been blogging long and because I have such excellent taste, most of the blogs I follow and think should get this award already have one! So I hope nobody minds if I don't make it to the allotted seven.

  1. Very Top Five. You want creative (or 'Kreativ' rather)? This is one of the most original, amusing blogs ever created.
  2. The Travels of Praziquantel. Everyone needs a travel blog to follow. Ever wanted to travel the crap out of a country? (A term I just coined). This woman does with great gusto - read along and share in her adventures!
  3. Repertoire Food. You also need a food blog to follow. Aside from teaching you how to spell the word "repertoire" you'll learn many home-cooked (and cleverly improvised) recipes. I also love the little stories that go with the recipes that give them so much personality.
  4. Single Girl in San Diego. I never got to do the whole dating thing. This blog fills me in on a whole world I missed out on.
  5. Kelleidoscope. I'm hesitant about putting this blog on this list because I find it hard to believe that Kellie hasn't received one of these awards already. This is one of those blogs where the blogger's personality just shines through. Makes me wish I knew her in real life.
  6. Twenty-something going on Five. As a fellow student, I just can't appreciate this blog enough. This girl blogs with enough sarcasm to make baby Jesus cry. Also, I think she has that part of her brain removed that says "saying this out loud might be a bad idea".
  7. Morning Cup with Meg. And finally, a classy blog with a bit of everything. One of those bloggers that really puts her life out there for all to see and share.
Yay! I did make it to seven.

And thanks again Kate! I love you and all things Canadian!

Friday, November 13, 2009

OMG it's late and I'm too tired to write but must...post...something...

In my last post I mentioned that I've never been drunk. That's because I'm allergic to alcohol. I know it sucks, but at least I know this will never happen to me:

I cannot believe how lucky that woman is!