Recently while trawling through my harddrive, I stumbled across a folder called "writing" which I'd created many years back. Inside it I found a contender for worst story ever written. Here's a little snippet:
“Hello ex-wife,” my friend said into the phone.
I reached down and scratched my crotch. My balls were itchy.
“Are your balls itchy too?” I asked my friend.
“Do you mind? I’m on the phone.”
I nodded then flexed my large muscles. I was huge. I hoped there were no ninjas lying around waiting to fight me. I would so destroy them.
I looked at the clock. It said 11:30pm. A breasted person was talking on the television. “We’ve had a sunny day today but now there’s a lot of clouds in the sky. It will be sunny and fine again tomorrow but it’s very dark right now. There could be a lot of ninjas when it’s this dark, so I hope everyone at home has huge muscles.”
I looked out the window. It was dark. The person on the TV was so smart.
I decided I needed another Mountain Dew so I walked over to the fridge. Unfortunately, there were no Mountain Dews left in the fridge. Just mayonnaise. This made me very angry. I decided I needed a tattoo to put on my muscly arm, and needed that tattoo now.
“Friend talking to ex-wife on phone!” I called out. “I’m going out to get a tattoo!”
“Okay!” he yelled. “Get some more mayonnaise on the way back. Watch out for ninjas.”
I took off my singlet, flexed, then grabbed my gun.
I stepped outside and slipped on some soy sauce. I laughed to myself, “those wacky ninjas. They leave soy sauce everywhere.”
Reading back on that story kind of makes me regret that I've never been drunk or taken illicit drugs as I can't blame the story on either of those things.
I guarantee you my story-writing has improved over the last few years and here's how I'm going (to attempt) to prove it. I will soon be creating another blog called "A Writing Faux Pas" where I will post original works of fiction spewed forth from my very own brain. My hope is to write an entire novel over the course of a year, and YOU are going to keep me accountable.
But don't worry! That doesn't mean this blog will start getting neglected. This is where I park my crazy and where I will continue to do so for many years to come. As proof, here's a series of photos of me attempting to mate with a peacock:
Long story short, I slept alone that night.